


infinitesimal

by lavendericecoffee



Category: Original Work, The Tragedy Of The Background
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, Making Out, lots of kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 17:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavendericecoffee/pseuds/lavendericecoffee
Summary: There are millions, billions, trillions of stars but Luna's down low, taking her time to fuss over more down-to-earth things in life.





	infinitesimal

**Author's Note:**

> fic written for my dearest [Koral](http://koralshkeecuje.tumblr.com/) abt their OCs, [Helen](http://koralshkeecuje.tumblr.com/tagged/Helen-Arvouitus) and [Luna](http://koralshkeecuje.tumblr.com/tagged/Luna-Velazquez) ❤️ it was really great to write and explore more of their relationship
> 
> a huge inspiration for this fic was Mother Mother's song ["Infinitesimal"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAXPU6Cdl4A), give it a listen

Helen woke up in the middle of the night. How unusual.

She was known to be a person who loves sleeping in and relaxing. For her, morning could wait as long as she wanted. It wasn’t a big deal of course! It’s not like she was in hurry for something. And even in times when she was, sleeping in couldn’t possibly be the worst thing that happened. So she never really cared about things like waking up early.

This time around something was wrong, she could sense it. She looked around to find a small clock on her bedside table. 3:00 am? Now that was even stranger. Helen took her glasses in hope to see something clearer. Much to her dismay, there was nothing in her apartment that could be any source of noise disturbing her sleep. Which in fact was also a problem. Luna was nowhere to be found.

Her girlfriend (and roommate) was someone who, just like her, loved to spend her time relaxing. They both could just sit around in silence and it was all fine by them. Nothing much except a soft and sweet atmosphere. A sense that someone else was around, someone who you love. A sense which Helen couldn’t feel at this moment.

The feel of worry came to her quickly. Yet a part of her had a feeling it wasn’t exactly something she couldn’t predict. Luna was unusually different in past several weeks or even months. She was always dreamy and out of this world. She wandered off in the distance in her thoughts. She was almost… Otherworldly. Exceptionally imaginative and always thinking about better things in universe. But this time around her dreaminess wasn’t it.

For the past couple of weeks, Luna was… So worried. She dismissed any calls she gave her about it but Helen knew something was up. Luna was less calm these days. She got worried about a lot of little things and she’s never really done that before. Lately even ending up _really_ not wanting to talk with Helen. She just spent her time, thinking or writing something in her big journals. Or studying for the next finishing exams.

Helen exhaled loudly. Maybe that was it. After all, Luna was a little older than her, so she was already in the last year of her pedagogy course. Exams after exams, it must’ve been exhausting. Helen just wasn’t sure how it could end for her girlfriend. She has never seen her in such stress and frankly, she had no intention to. If there was a way to help her, she would, she absolutely would. But Luna was also secretive and didn’t like to show when it got wrong. Helen just hoped, it would still be on the low to quickly get it right.

But firstly, she had to know where she is. Helen got up from her bed and searched the apartment up, in hope that she didn’t go anywhere far. Strangely enough, she couldn’t find her in their place. Bedroom, kitchen, bathroom – none of these places showed any sign of her. She was about to call her but in a moment, she saw a slightly open room to their balcony. Exactly what she needed.

She took a step outside, peering out of the door. And there she was. Curled up to herself  and looking up in the sky. Luna was there, safe and sound. Just a sight of her made her feel like a huge stone fell off her heart. Still, there was a question – what was it all for?

“Luna? Are you alright?” Helen said softly in her still sleepy voice.

“Oh, Helen! Yes yes, of course I am,” she replied a little too quickly.

“What are you doing here? You know what hour it is, right?”

“I know it’s just… I felt like I needed to see the stars now. Take a seat, we’ll watch together,” Luna gave her a warm, reassuring smile.

She couldn’t say no to something like this. Immediately, she sat right next to her and looked up. One thing she was certain about, the stars looked unquestionably beautiful this night. A sky full of tiny little specs so far from them, yet feeling so close. Helen knew Luna absolutely loved looking up to see all the wonders of the universe.  She couldn’t deny it, she loved it as well. A rather calming look at the outside world and beauty of astrological wonders, staying still throughout the centuries. There was a lot to love about it.

Luna huddled up and rested her head against Helen’s shoulder. Though Luna was much taller than her, she still absolutely loved the way Helen could hold her. She felt so safe and well underneath the stars, with her by her side. So… What was wrong?

“Helen?”

“Yes?”

“What do you think about them? I mean, when you look at the stars, what do you think?” she asked with a little uncertain voice.

Helen focused on the sky for a moment. While there was a lot to talk about, when it came to this, the answer always seemed clear.

“Honestly? I just see all of the infinity. Like how it all is just endless. Sky never reaches its end and it’s just… Amazi,ng you know. There’s so much out there, it makes me feel small,” Helen answered dazzled by all the beauty around her.

“Right… You’re right, it all seems a lot like endlessness,” she said in a quieter voice.

“I thought you loved the sky and stars,” she remarked.

There was nothing wrong with her reply but… The look she gave her, her uncertainty and just the fact that she was sitting there on an ungodly hour, it all didn’t sound well. Something unclear could be heard in this exact tone. And Helen just wanted to make sure nothing was too bad.

“I do! I do, I really do, it’s just that… I don’t know, sometimes they need a little reassuring, right? Just like almost every creature in the world,” Luna said but followed it with a small smile.

Helen perked up at the sound of it. It all made sense yet, she felt like her intentions were much clearer now. She looked softly back at her and got closer. One of her hands travelling back on her waist.

They couldn’t stand the distance between them anymore. Luna’s hand moved up and cupped Helen’s cheek. They closed it with a kiss, soft and sweet. Their lips moving against each other in a loving way, gentle but still a little hesitant. Nevertheless, finally feeling much more of their needed closeness.

They pulled back, just as if in the same rhythm. Luna opened her eyes just to see Helen’s smile. Something so sweet and familiar. It made her feel just how she needed.

“This kind of reassuring?” Helen whispered against her.

“Yes, exactly.”

They couldn’t stay apart for too long, they needed their intimacy so much. Their kisses became sloppier and sloppier and their bodies moved against each other. From waist, Helen moved her hands on Luna’s back, gripping with enough force so she could sense it. As Luna broke off from her, Helen kissed her on the corners of her lips again. She finally kissed her lips again, letting her tongue a little more in. Luna made a pleased noise and opened her mouth more. She needed her, every bit of her with all she had. She needed this moment.

Not wanting to be so far away, Helen moved and gathered on Luna’s lap. Her legs around her hips, as she tried to tower above her. She kissed her endlessly, not stopping for one second. With all her strength, she laid her girlfriend closer to the ground. Her hands moved across her back and finally slipped underneath her pyjama top. Luna’s skin felt delicate and a little cold beneath her touch. She had a feeling her skin was always a little bit colder. From her mouth, Helen’s kisses trailed back on her neck. Openmouthed kisses across neck trying to make her way on her shoulder and further and further.

Luna finally opened her eyes, still breathing heavily. As she looked into the sky again, she let herself froze in a moment. Her hands loosened the grip on Helen’s back. She exhaled once again and spoke.

“Helen? Can you give me a moment?”

She moved up from her neck and looked straight into her golden eyes.

“Yes but are you alright? Did I do something wrong?” Helen replied a little bit startled. She would never do anything wrong to her girlfriend. Maybe, she still had something on her mind.

“No! No, it’s fine, I’m fine, I just… I guess have to process a bit, you know me,” Luna laughed but her anxiety could be hearable through this.

“Of course,” Helen pressed a kiss on her forehead. “Tell me when you’re ready.”

Luna smiled back at her and looked up again. With every fleeting moment, she looked much more anxious. Just as if she wanted to tell everything she felt, everything that bothered her but she just couldn’t. Every time she tried, her voice got stuck in her throat. But her eyes revealed the truth. A shuddering breath escaped her mouth. She pressed her palms to her eyes, trying to not show too much. All bottling up inside her, as she let out a small wail.

Suddenly, she felt a hand stroking her arm as delicate as it could. Only close people knew how calming it always was for Luna. She moved her hands away and looked back at her. Through tears, she saw Helen, worried but trying to keep her calm. Quietly reassuring her with a single touch.

“Luna, darling… Please, tell me what’s wrong,” Helen whispered, as if she herself tried to fight back the tears.

Luna felt tension within herself both rise and fall. Everything she felt was illogical, yet… She had to finally let go. She couldn’t lie to her girlfriend and tell her that everything was right when it clearly wasn’t. With a simple gesture, she wiped off the tears from her eyes.

There was so much to say. So much has been building up inside her for so long. It just felt harder and harder to let all out. With a weak but serious tone, she asked:

“Have you ever thought about the stars?”

Helen blinked at her in confusion. She was always secretive but… In a moment like this?

“What do you mean exactly?” she asked as well, puzzled by everything about it.

“I mean… Have you ever thought about them really? They are always there. Always in one place, never changing. Still in the moment, no matter when we are looking at them. Centuries pass and they are the same as they were before.”

Her voice became stronger with every word. Yet, Helen still didn’t exactly know what was going on inside her mind. So she stayed quiet, waiting for her next move.

“I’ve always found it comforting. No matter how much the world changes, they always stay the same in their beautiful endlessness. When everything’s failing, I know that they’re always there to remind me that some things never change,” smile on her face suddenly faded. “But I guess that it’s not always as comforting as I think it is.”

Another look up. Another study of the beautiful wonders in the sky. This time however fear was seen in her eyes. Helen followed up her eyes up, maybe to see something clearer. But she still couldn’t understand.

“Helen…” Luna began once more. “Think about it. My life is about to change completely. I’m almost done with all of these studies, I won’t be here anymore. Sure, I’m happy that my work will pay off but… What if it doesn’t?”

Once again, she took her girlfriend’s hand into her. Her grip was certain, her eyes were focused.

“I’m just… Afraid. I didn’t think about this. I don’t want to think about this. I’m not ready for another change. Why can’t it all stay the same as it was? What if I’m just going to fail, I won’t find my happiness and I would have to start over? I’ve worked so hard for all of this, I can’t go back.”

Tears filled her eyes. Lots of tears streaming through her cheeks and sobs between sentences. She didn’t want Helen to see her like this but… She didn’t want to hide anymore.

“I wish it could be simpler. I wish it all could be like with the stars, just in one place. It was fine back then! And now, I have to deal with it all over again. Life’s just always moving.”

With a sharp motion, she let go of Helen’s hand and wiped her tears again. She was already feeling like a mess, now she most likely looked like one.

“Whenever I look at them I feel… Infinitesimal. Insignificant. If I’m going to fail, I won’t even make a sound. No one will ever know who I was or they will just forget I was ever there. I’m just a spec in this huge universe. And I feel like this all the time. I’m not sure what’s gonna happen next day. What if I’m not even here for the next day? I-I’m just… Powerless.”

She hung her head down and sobbed into her hands. At this moment, she couldn’t even look her straight into eyes.

“I-I don’t wanna start again in a different place. I’m not ready for this. You’re not gonna be there, I’ll be all alone. W-why can’t it stay the way it is? I don’t even know if I’m gonna be alive for the next day. W-what if I can’t start again? What if no one will even care if I fail or n-not. N-No one will ever remember who I was.”

Her broken words failed her. She burst into tears, unable to speak coherently after this. What would it even matter? She wasn’t going to make it. She was unable to make it right and she couldn’t do it in any way. She didn’t have enough power to make it.

At least, that’s what she thought.

She felt like a complete mess. Crying in the darkness, looking like an outright disaster and fussing over the future. Everything was just… Hopeless. It didn’t matter what would happen.

Suddenly, she felt something else. An embrace, tight grip of someone’s arms. Uncertain at first but with more force each passing moment. Someone who loves you. Someone who cares.

First, she shuddered. The contact was sudden, she didn’t expect this at all. But then all she could do was just to… Give in. Luna returned the embrace, strongly and securely. It all felt so bizarre, not like it always did. But she needed it. She needed Helen at this moment. And she was there to offer her even the smallest kindness. Luna hid her face into her arms. Helen’s hand moved to her head and stroked it carefully.

“Can I… Tell you something?” Helen whispered in midst of all of this.

“G-go ahead,” Luna replied, still trying to maintain her voice.

“After the accident, I… I had a feeling that my life was over. I didn’t know anything. I couldn’t find anyone close. I was just thrown into the big water with no help at all. I had no idea what my past was. And can I even have a future if I’ve forgotten everything I was?”

Luna hugged her tighter. Helen told her about her accident. When she was just 18, she was moving out with her parents. Then in all of this a horrible crash happened. She was the only survivor. All of her documents, everyone there… It was all gone. She herself didn’t remember anything. She was just left alone to deal with it.

Whenever she told her about it, Luna couldn’t help but try to comfort her. It all felt like something that could have never happened or just shouldn’t happen. Yet, it did. Luna guessed that the worst always happens to the best.

“I had no idea how to deal with this,” Helen continued. “Alone in all of this, with nothing but a name. How could I even manage? I didn’t think anything good could happen to me. And somehow… It did.”

Her voice was much softer this time. A reminiscence of something that could go wrong. But it never did.

“I found a good college, I learnt how to be much more independent and meet some wonderful people. My life has just begin anew. I never thought it would ever go like this. I was anxious it could go horribly wrong. But I guess I started to believe that future can be bright.”

Luna looked up to see Helen’s face. Her sweet smile was something she loved so much. It just felt right.

“What I’m trying to say is that, we can never know what will happen. But we’re the ones who make our future. I had no idea what my past was. I don’t remember anything from it. So the only thing I could do, was just to look forward to the future. Make it work in the middle of all of this mess. Cause then the best that life has to offer can happen.”

Helen’s gaze moved to the sky. This time, Luna followed her, still clutching to her dearly.

“A-and you know the thing about the universe? We all think it’s still but it’s actually always moving. Always changing, always trying to do new things. Maybe we are all just specs in this endlessness. But we have the power to make our difference and make our universe better. We don’t have to be lost in all of this. We can… Find each other. And do what is right.”

And suddenly it all looked so differently. Just a one look into the sky and Luna didn’t find the loneliness she felt for the longest time. She found hope. She found something that could make it better and what made her life make just a little more sense. It didn’t feel like anything it was before. It was something much more.

“Helen… I…” Luna tried to find her words. Her head was full of thoughts she couldn’t exactly understand now. So she pulled her closer and kissed her again.

There was no anxiousness in this. No need to exclaim or to shout anything. Just a small moment between the two. Their lips moved softly against each other. With a steady movement, Luna gripped at Helen’s back. She needed her close. She needed to feel her now, like it was all she ever needed. Just like her presence was keeping her in the reality.

Luna exhaled and smiled to her girlfriend, pressing her forehead against her collarbone.

“Thank you for all of this, I… I needed this. For the longest time. I still need my time but hey. It can’t be too bad after all,” she left out a small chuckle as she smiled much wider.

“I’m glad I could help you with it, even if just a little” Helen whispered back.

“It’s just that… What will become of us?”

“I… I’m not sure. But whatever happens, I will always remember how much you’ve changed my life for better.”

In a faint light, Luna could see her sweet blush. Without a shadow of a doubt, she kissed her once more beneath the beautiful and lively night sky.

* * *

 

Later months, felt to her like a blur.

She graduated with a high score, making herself, Helen, and everyone in her family proud. With her still growing uncertainty, she moved out to look for new challenges in life. Just how it was supposed to be.

With a heavy heart, they both knew it was an end for them. The distance and their differences – they had to look for something else in life. No matter how beautiful their moments were. But they never wanted to leave on a bitter note. During their goodbye, Helen gave her a book of Sappho’s poems, which she loved so dearly. For a good brand new start.

While moving her things around in her new apartment, she picked up that book. A small piece of paper fell out of it. All surprised, she read it carefully. It was simple but it meant so much. That’s why, she always kept it inside as a reminder.

_“No matter what happens, I will never forget you._

_~Helen"_

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! if you enjoyed these characters, go ask Koral some more abt them 🌃💕


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